The Valentine's Day Cynic

Long ago I learned I could never be right when buying my significant other any present. This has been doubly true concerning Valentine's Day presents, where my track record has been anything but stellar. Here's a short list of presents which have wet-farted right back into my face:

• an iron because she had recently trashed the previous one - iron your own fucking shirts!
  
• an embroidered sweater - don't you know I don't wear red?
  
• her favourite wine - what made you buy this shit?
  
• a (cheap, I admit it) diamond-encrusted heart pendant - who'd you fuck now?
• a vibrator - is it used, little man?
• a k.d. lang CD - right, like I want to listen to that dike tonight, eh? Why don't I phone my sister so she can join us.
  
• 13 long-stemmed roses - how original!

I even sent her on a diversionary shopping trip so I could secretly prepare a special romantic dinner (Steak Diane with homemade sherbet), but when she returned she told me she had just scoffed a couple of Big Macs and the smell of my cooking was making her sick.

I just can't win. And there's no pleasing her. So, I have resolved henceforth to buy her no gift that I couldn't use myself if she turned her nose up at it. Here's what I've thought of so far:

• 450-piece Mastercraft tool collection complete with chest - but I thought you said you couldn't find the screwdrivers to fix the sewing machine.
• new set of Ping golf clubs - ya know, hon, we really need to share a hobby
• membership in the Single-malt Scotch of the Month Club - you mean it wasn't you who keeps on finishing off my Laphroaig?
  
• jacuzzi - just think of the romantic moments I, erm, I mean we can have in it
• indoor gardening kit - Didn't you tell me this house needed more life? (at least I could start a grow-op with it)

And if all else fails,

• new rope for a clothes line - (c'mon guys - you should be getting good at this by now)

Any other ideas?